Tag Archives: humor

AARP… Really?

I might be able to get some sweet discounts!

One of the humorous things that I received for my birthday was this nice offer from AARP to become a member of their club. I know that I am aging, but HELLO! where did you buy your names from AARP? FAIL. Someone scammed you…

From AARP’s website (http://www.aarp.org/about-aarp/):

Founded in 1958, AARP is a nonprofit, nonpartisan membership organization that helps people 50 and over improve the quality of their lives.

AARP has offices in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

As a social welfare organization, as well as, the nation’s largest membership organization for people 50+, AARP is leading a revolution in the way people view and live life.

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Perhaps it’s a new marketing scheme… send you advertisements and offers for 11 YEARS before you are eligible, then you’ll be brainwashed ready to join. I wonder what The Elder is going to start getting in the mail… he’s 7, so whatever club memberships that have an age of 18 requirement… wait, scratch that… I don’t think that would be legal at his age.

But what I want to know is that If I did get a Membership approved and I went into Hardees to get a Senior Cup of Coffee, would my AARP card carry any weight if I was carded? getting carded at Hardees… “dagnabbit, I used to get carded for buying beer, now I’m getting carded for buying coffee! Back in MY day…”

Something completely different

For Christmas, we received a juicer… Yes, one that we saw on an Infomercial… No, not pitched by the Late Great Billy Mays. We felt this would help us have a healthier diet by being able to drink the blood of fruits, vegetables and anything else that would fit in there.

We very much enjoy being vegetarian vampires. And with our juicer we get 30% MORE juice than leading competitors! But what about the wate/by-product/pulp of the victims? 3 words: Soups, Smoothies and Casseroles! We have been trying number of fruit-vegetable combinations and this leads dorectly to the point of this post, which I am getting to… Eventually.

I’ll save some of our recipe/combinations for later and focus on one fruit, Canteloupe. A nice light and rwfreshing part of the melon family, it makes a nice compliment to any juice. The Younge LOVES canteloupe. Well he like All melon regardless of type. All he requests is that they be cut into near bite-sized pieces… If too big he’ll just cram it in his mouth and if too small, he’ll just take a handful in there. Today we went to the grocery store and picked up a Canteloupe. Given what he ate today as cut fruit, I should have gotten 2, maybe 3.

For afternoon snack he had his first helping of Canteloupe and some strawberries.
“Daddy, can I have some of that fruit-What’s it called again?”
“Canteloupe”
“Yeah! Canteloupe. And strawberries. But no grass… On the strawberries.”
“Okay.” I cut him a couple of pieces and quickly realized it would be wise to go ahead and slice the whole melon, at least into strips which would easy to juice.

Later, he asked for another snack and I felt myself in the middle of a Monty Python sketch…
“Daddy, I want some more, uhhh, stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“I want some more mayonnaise.”
“Some what?”
“More mayonnaise.”
“You want more…. Mayonnaise?”
“Yeah, like we had today, with strawberries with no grass.”
“Ooh, you want some canteloupe.” I said thinking how in the hell the translation between the two. I could find no logical connection…
“Yea, cant-tee-loot”
“Sure,” I replied cutting couple of pieces for him. Not 2 minutes later, I found myself in a strange strange situation.
“Mayonnaise is my FAVORITE!” exclaimed The Younger, cramming in a “Younger” sized morsel in his mouth.
“You mean canteloupe.”
“Yeah, canteloupe!”
When he finished that piece, he asked for some more.
“Daddy can I have some more mayon- What this called again?”
“Canteloupe,” I replied not even pausing with what I was doing… as if mayonnaise and canteloupe were one in the same.
“Yeah. It’s my favorite.”

We will see if it sticks… I do know that The Younger knows that 3 is 3 and not 5.
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Review of The Younger’s sandwich, a BLT with some canteloupe, coming soon.

Comedy by The Elder

Yesterday the whole family was cleaning (or at least playing) in the workshop. I happened to be moving a small door when The Elder decides to make some knock-knock jokes.

“I got a good one, I start. Knock Knock”

“Who’s There?”

“Orange.”

“Orange, who?”

“Orange.”

“Orange, who?”

“Orange.”

“Just Orange? Not something like ‘Orange you going to let me in?'”

“Orange. KNock Knock”

“Who’s There?” *rolls eyes*

“Banana!”

“Banana who?” *Rolls eyes*

“Banana!”

“Banana who?” *Rolls eyes*

“Apple Sauce! Ha ha! Potato Chip!”

The Elder better keep his day job for now.

My Kingdom for a Key

Thursday is Terry day, that is, I have from 5-9pm to do just about anything that I want to do. The first thing that is on the list is to spend time with my guy friends, doing something manly like drinking beer and shooting pool or running or just drinking beer. I do have a CamelBak now and could Run and Drink Beer (hmmmmm). I also do other things like errands that revolve around me (window shopping for man bag go bag) or that are 10,000x easier to do without the kids (as in just about everything).Yesterday started no differently. Boring day at work (could you tell with the 4 posts?), surfing the web, watching me make money as the stock market took a little tumble. As the sun set on the day of work, the fun was just getting ready to begin. In the last 15 minutes of work, I started to shut everything down and gather my stuff together. I also pulled out the clothes that I would wear during my run with Soon-To-Be-Doctor David. Once the secretary was gone, I donned my running attire.

Everything was packed, ready to go. I staged everything in the foyer of the house (I work in an old 1940s house), so that I can put everything outside and then set the security system. I shutdown my computer and move everything out the door. I then get my work key out and my car key. Except that I can’t find my car key.

I just had my car key 10 minutes ago. Where is my car key? It’s 4:55 and I am going to meet David at 5:05pm. Where is that key. I come back in and look on my desk… nothing. I start looking around, not too panicked (yet) because I just had it. I rifle through the papers on my desk, not there. Look on the floor, not there. I then glance through the bags that I have and it’s still no where to be found. Now, I am starting to get upset.

I bring my bags back inside and proceed to go through them. I look through the dirty clothes bag from working out at lunch, I look through the bag that I put my work clothes in and there is nothing there. I look through my Man Bag Go Bag and there’s nothing there. I look through the bag that I carry my lunch, not there. I look through my saddle bag, nothing there. Damn, I have a lot of bags. NOT THERE!

It’s now 5:05pm and I have been looking for 10 minutes and it’s no where to be found and I am getting ready upset. I look through my desk for the second and third time, on the floor again and then through my bags again. Now, I am really upset because I am late for my running date and I can’t find the key that I just saw 20 minutes ago! ARGH!

It’s now 5:15pm and I conceed that I am not going to find my key any time soon. I knew that I could lock all my stuff up at my office, go run and then come back and keep looking. So, I stashed all my stuff, locked up and went to go run.

I wasn’t too happy when I met up with Soon-To-Be-Doctor David, but I knew that I needed to take myself out of the situation and reflect on Sherlock Holmes “We must fall back upon the old axiom that when all other contingencies fail, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth” and then the key’s location would be revealed to me.

I had a decent second run today, but I was still riled up about the key. David was nice enough to offer to call me when he was done showering to see if I had found my key. If I had, things were great. If Not, he could drive me home.

So, I head back to my office in the dark and when I get there the cleaning guy is finishing up. I ask him if he had seen a key and which he replied in the negative. Okay, so what to do? Check every place again…

I look through the dirty clothes bag from working out at lunch, I look through the bag that I put my work clothes in and there is nothing there. I look through the bag that I carry my lunch, not there. I look through my saddle bag, nothing there. I look through my Man Bag Go Bag and WAIT! What’s this? It’s my key hanging out in the pocket that I keep my office keys!

Could I have accidentally dropped my car key in there when I was getting my office key? Glory Be to the Father! Hur-RAY!!! WOO-HOO! Life is back to normal. Now, on with Terry Day with being about 30 minutes behind, no big deal.

[But the story doesn’t end there]

I get all my bags together, set them outside, lock up the office and take everything to the car. I open the trunk, put my bags into the trunk and now I am ready to go. Except that when I look, I only have my office keys… WHAT? You have to be kidding me! I managed to have found my keys for all of 5 minutes, only to lock them securely in my trunk! My phone rings, it’s David.

“How are things?”

“Oh, good and bad,” I said half way chuckling. “I manage to find my keys but then promptly lock them in my trunk.”

So I waited a few minutes for David to pick me up and he took me home. It’s Thursday night and I am home and my car is at work. This isn’t too big of a problem, I can take the bus to work. I took My Lovely and Talented Wife’s car to the bus stop and locked the keys in the car, on purpose! She has OnStar, so it’s all good. She’ll arranged our Au Pair to take her to the bus stop, ring up OnStar and she’s good to go.

So, I’m on the bus heading to work. YAY!

[But the story doesn’t end there]

Oh, no. I can’t make this up. Actually, I could but what I would make up wouldn’t be as funny AT me. So, I take the UT bus stop and have about 1/4 mile to walk. As I am walking I am thinking about what’s in my trnuk and whether I would need any of that today during work. I’m imaging myself seeing all my stuff in the trunk with my key laying innocently there. But then I think, how I am going to open the trunk? I never got the spare key. *crickets chirping*

oh yeah, that’s right! How many college degrees do I have?

[But the story doesn’t end there]

I texted My Lovely and Talented Wife that I had left the key at home. Once at work, she proceeded to tell me that she can’t find the spare key… great. So now what? That’s our only spare. (One of my errands to run was to make more car keys)

Resolution: She did find the spare key and through a series of vehicle dosey-do, everything will fall into place, I hope. There is the small chance that I could lock the spare key inside the trunk with the other key at which we’d have to call a locksmith, but the chances of that happening are what? 1:1000 or so.