Nature’s Do Not Call Program

Our Government has a Do Not Call Program. Nature Does Not.

When Nature calls, you better answer… the sooner the better. Now, I am about to share with you a story about

When Nature calls, the later the not-better.

So, I am out running today at lunch, nothing exciting, just out for a run. I don’t have my watch so I have no idea what my time was (not that it matters at this point) or what was my pace for the first 3/4 of my run. It’s beautiful weather here today… mid 50Fs and sunny, perfect running weather.

I am moved right through my first 2 miles, no problem. Running does sometimes cause some occassional gas. It’s not like Taco Bell gas, but with everything moving and shifting around, it’s not uncommon to have a little “wind” from time to time. During that second mile, I was getting a little winded and I was not even tired… HA! (oh, I crack myself up). Near the 2.5 mile I suddenly get a “larger gust”, if you get my drift… and I had to ponder whether it was all gaseous or not.

I deem everything to be okay and then proceed on my way. However, I am starting to get little breezes here and there and then on an uphill, Something shifts, and I have to stop. I’m now standing there looking like i am trying to make a diamond with my butt cheeks.

RING, RING. Nature’s Calling, I don’t even pick up the phone.

I’m able to make it mile 3 when I have to start walking. I still think I am okay at this point, everything is just gaseous, but using one of the euphemisms that we used with our kids… “The Troops were heading South”. I’m now at part of the campus that does not have many public lavatories or secluded spots. I could get to the library and that would put me off course to the point where if I didn’t make it, it would be a long ways to go especially if stuff was, uh, messy.

Now Nature is just ringing and ringing and I trying desparately to not pick up the phone. I’m sure that I looked weird to the casual observer. I’m walking around with something shoved up my butt (literally), so I was walking tall and maybe I exuded a sense of confidence with my newly found posture. I was desperately trying not to exude anything else at this time.

As I am walking down hills, the Ringing is getting LOUDER and LOUDER, but I am still able to not pick up the phone.

I think that most runners have experienced a “Call from Nature” while on a run, especially a Long Run. This has happened to me on a number of occasion. So, this wasn’t something that was completely foreign to me… although I wish it was. However, being in the middle of campus, there were no private places for me to… well, you know.

I’m now a 1/4 mile away from the aquatic center and THANKFULLY, there is not too many people around on campus, because I can make weird gestures with my body to make sure that I don’t “Break Containment”



  • Captain, we’ve encountered a break in containment… shifting power to auxiliary channels…
  • General, the Troops have moved South out of the Valley, we are now exposed to the harsh condition of the elements. Your Orders?
  • Pilot to Bombardier, Pilot to Bombardier…. We Have Reached our target… BOMBS AWAYYYYYYYYYYY.
  • Oh, Crap.

I’m less than 0.2 of a mile away… I can see the aquatic center building but I try the door of a closer physical education buildings… the door I try is locked. Oh well, the cats out of bag now, so what’s the use? I now weigh my options. I know that I can walk behind the building and get to the Aquatic Center with minimal human contact and little downhill movement. I check myself to make sure that the liner of my shorts (secondary containment) has worked and it has.

As gracefully as I could with some extra junk in the trunk, I waddled toward the aquatic center. I think I may have passed 4 or 5 people before I made it back to the Men’s Bathroom in the Aquatic Center. I’m not sure how many people were laughing at me, hopefully none, but I made it. Thankfully, everything came out fine. Uh, I mean… that the only thing messed up was my time for the last mile. And seeing that I didn’t have a watch, doesn’t really matter.

About planet3rry

I'm a husband, father and runner in the Knoxville area. I love the way that running makes me feel and how it has changed my thinking. I am always looking for the new PR whether in the 5k or the marathon