Destination: The Mall

No Holiday Shopping experience would be complete without going to The Mall. That stress free place where everyone is happy to be there and order and peace are shared with a cup of cheer.

When My Lovely and Talented Wife suggested that, I thought I would rather poke sharp sticks in my eyes, eat shards of glass and roll around in hot coals. Then I reconsidered… glass has a high silica content. I drove tentatively heading East to Hell The Mall, waiting for any chance to have to jump on to the back streets to get through the heavy traffic of other shoppers heading to Hell The Mall.

Surprisingly enough, I didn’t have to make any drastic off road ventures. No Road Rage. Parking was a little more difficult though, we didn’t find anything right up close, but the parking lot didn’t look like it was the Christmas holidays.

Upon entering Sears, there was no large crowd. Making our way through the extra racks of Must Haves, we made our way to the Mall Highway. Again, there was a lack of human beings that made it seem subdued. Perhaps, Monday had a bigger effect than what I imagined. And that it was a little later, only 7pm, but even at 9pm the volume of people didn’t seem to have waned any. So has the volume of shoppers been consistently down?

Hell The Mall is about the same as it ever was. It had been months since I had been to Hell The Mall, most of the same shops were there, but a few were moved. The Kiosks that disease the middle aisle of Hell The Mall, had changed a bit to fit “The Next Great Thing” or the “Coolest New Crap”.

We stopped at Starbuck’s Wannabe Barnie’s to get our snobby over priced coffees. Although we did have to ask for “Soy” (at a premium) we didn’t have to use weird size names, I got to say “Small” when I wanted the diminutive size. I was pretty excited because I saw they had the White Chocolate Sugar Water Flavored Syrup. I am one Frothing Mug Short of being able to play Starbuck’s at home. “NO, Curse You get it RIGHT! Tall does NOT mean Large, and It’s GRANNN-DAY not GRAND and I don’t care you can’t say Venti… JEEZ, you are 2 and A HALF Years old, how are you going to survive in world? Oh yeah, you’re dang cute… that’s be $17.50”

However, the guy behind the counter recognized the TMBG Fleece sweatshirt that I had on. Apparently, he had one too. Wow, cool, yeah…

I was really hoping that I would have some great material about our experience in Hell The Mall, but sadly, it was just about as mundane as every other trip.

Oh, one store that had a relocation and an noticeable increase in store volume was Victoria Secret. They have started Marketing even younger now, trying to get the girls branded earlier so that when they do need that Wonderbra or lace teddy, VS come to mind faster than the Lingerie Department at Wally World. I called I Love Pink or something like that based on Pink University, which on a lot of different levels is just wrong, but let’s pretend it’s about being in love with the color Pink. The Marketeers definitely have that store coated in Pink. Pink this Pink that… pink pink pink. I *heart*Pink. Yeah… Aerosmith “Hearts” pink… no sexual overtones there *cough cough*. So another “Sex Sells” Marketing ploy… where else but in Hell The Mall.

The Sprint Store, which we went into go look at new phones since I am eligible for an upgrade, but the 1 guy that was there was on the phone the entire time and didn’t make one move to try to help us. No big problem though, he wouldn’t have made a sale. But I think I did decide that the Katana DLX is very sexy (sorry, still thinking about Victoria’s Secret – effective marketing) but I might wait until after Christmas just to see what the new stuff they bring for their after Christmas sales.

After Sprint, I drooled over… not passing the Victoria Secret store again, but the Godiva Chocolatier store. Go figure… another woman reference, except she’s TOTALLY naked, not just wearing silky skivvies. So where am I? Oh yeah… Mmmmm Chocolate. However, my fatigue overpowered my desire to window shop over Casein rich treats.

We did see a minor Knoxville Celebrity… Mayor Haslam. He was out carousing the malls for something. We technically live in the county, so he’s not my Mayor, but he’s a public servant and in the community’s eye.

Another store of no interest was one that had nothing in it but Black and White clothes. How utterly DULL. Come to think of it, that’ were Victoria Secret used to be…

We spent a good time in Williams Sonoma looking at the nice dreamy kitchen appliances. Of course, the nice plump pink Kitchen Aide stand mixer with the all the “attachments” was top of the list. They had some great stuff there, but we had to leave Hell The Mall and bid Adieu. So we left and went to a more practical store, Target.

About planet3rry

I'm a husband, father and runner in the Knoxville area. I love the way that running makes me feel and how it has changed my thinking. I am always looking for the new PR whether in the 5k or the marathon