Playing Catch Up

I never really got around to finishing my times for yesterday's run and since I find that information somewhat useful, I guess I will need to make an entry which has that but will be a little later.

Have you ever seen the movie Memento? It's a pretty neat concept of a movie that follows a flawed hero on his path of manipulation by others and himself. I won't give away anything else that other than one of the main theme's in about memory.

So, the running joke at my house is that I don't have a good memory. That I will forget things both in long term and short term memory and sometimes it's important stuff, sometimes not so important stuff. On the other hand, there are things that I can remember pretty good detail on events that sometimes are important, other times are not.

I have a day planner, and by my badge of geekiness, is a mutli-year project of mine started by none other than tracking my mileage for my first marathon in 1999. It seems that if I have a sense trigger, usually sight, that I can remember whatever happened but until I get that trigger it's a blank. Stress, and I am sure this is with most people, causes my memory to be even harder to access… I experienced this with some of my schoolwork. If I got stressed about a question, it was hard to open the floodgate of knowledge.

So this day planner, it started out just as a calendar in excel and I tracked major events along with my mileage. It then grew (in Excel) to this multi-worksheet calendar that is arranged so that I can print it out a certain way and it's 8×5.5 on both side in chronological order. And just this past year, I had it set up that it now will auto-number itself when I put Jan 1 in the right cell. Other things about it aren't automated, such as birthday, football schedules, etc. I even had a colorcoding system (colors are cool) so that I can see visually what certain events are. For example, all workouts, etc are in blue; birthdates/annys are in red.

When I was attending classes I made a Word spreadsheet that I titled “'Terry's Second Brain” and on it was a system of information. Some reference (like projects that I want to do) and things such as the 6 Most Important Things to do for that day. I was measuring my weight every morning and so I could justjot down the weight on my brain until I put the data in Excel.

My second Brain was very similar, but low-tech to the thing called Pocket Mod. That's a cool concept. Regardless, I used the Second Brain for almost 2 years when I abandoned that for a book called Designing Your Live by Pam Shaw. This book, which was a 90 day day planner for each day, provided space for the emotional, motivational, work related, excerise aspects of your life. Unlike the one-page brain, it was big and bulky as it lasted for 90 days. Not wanting to pay the money for book every 90 days, I created my own book pages in a project called D3sign Book.

My D3sign book has gone through some metamorphes of its own. It orginally was in Word where I could, through a series of prints, make it any length that I wanted. I typically printed out 4 weeks at a time and that coincided with my Calendar pages. Recently, and with the inspiration of Jen, I moved the pages from Word to Publisher and things are easier to see since the are in the order of the book, Not the funky order that I had to put them in Word!

But even with my book I have a hard time recalling even simple stuff. In my non-medical opinion, I think it has to do with how I dealt with stress as a child. With noone to really interact with on an emotional equal level (I didn't know I had a brother until I was 20), I think that I chose to supress my feelings to the point where they were forgotten on the mental level. If something bad happened, I would 'forget' it easy enough as my way of therapy. They were still there because I would still get anger and I had a temper that I had to manage.

I couldn't challenge authority, so I exploded on things that I had dominance over. My first real fight with Jen was because I wouldn't fight… hell, I can't in people's present have enough self worth to express my opinion. Those of you have received my comments know that I can have very lucid and insightful outlooks. I can't do that in person, unless I have been drinking.

My mom, when I was in high school, desparately tried to get me to open up, but it was really wasn't effective… I already had the deadbolt on letting out my feelings. It has been locked pretty tight for a number of years and it didn't help that I was labeled as a geek in high school. I was never invited to any social parties from my school, only the girls 2 year younger than me showed any interest. I was one of the smarter kids in my class and deemed “The Nice Guy”, which really is a hands washing of you by other people. You are nice enough to be around, but your not interesting enough to interact with at any deep level, you are not pursuable.

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of other people from other schools that provided what my school couldn't. Unfortuantely, I don't have too many memories from school… just trying to remember people's names is difficult, unless I have a trigger. So I wonder if my memory was bad back then too? I don't remember.

Now I have to blog just about everyday because I won't remember (or I will forget about them easily) things… even about my own kids. And if I get memory aids, will it help me remember from this point on or will I be able to access previous memories? Or will they not even work, just a placebo effect…

well, I better get those split times in before I forget… as if I will ever reference them… sheesh.

And yesterday I forgot my towel… see…

About planet3rry

I'm a husband, father and runner in the Knoxville area. I love the way that running makes me feel and how it has changed my thinking. I am always looking for the new PR whether in the 5k or the marathon